'I think my son may need counseling, but I'm not really sure'

By Mark Stahl

QUESTION: How do I know if my child needs counseling/therapy? My eight-year-old son has been acting out and seems uncontrollable at times. My husband says "boys will be boys" and my best friend says, "he's just going through a phase." Others have told me he isn't acting "normal" and needs professional help. How do I know if he is behaving like a "typical" child or if his behavior is "abnormal"?

ANSWER: This certainly is a difficult question. You feel confused about whether your child needs professional assistance. You definitely are not alone. Many parents wonder the same thing. It is especially difficult for first-time parents. They have no other children to compare this one's behavior to. Children are more likely to express their feelings and worries in two ways: 1) indirectly through play or 2) directly through misbehavior.

Your question is also difficult to answer without more specific details about your child and the situation. There are certain things to consider or guidelines to help decide whether to enter your child in counseling. First, you need to define the problem. Make a list of the child's behaviors that seem questionable. Also, consider how long it has been going on? How often does it happen? Is it only at certain times, days, events, and so on? Who is around? Where is he when it happens?

It will help to have objective feedback and opinions. Talk with other parents, your parents, teachers, and so on. Sometimes we, as parents, cannot step out of the situation and look at the larger picture. We are often "stuck" in the situation reacting on our emotions. Others have a clearer view and can help us see the whole situation.

Does the behavior cause significant problems socially or in school? Are friendships being damaged? Are family relationships being strained? Are his grades dropping? Is he falling behind in school?

There are numerous times and situations when a child may benefit from counseling. Here is a brief list:

1.When a child behaves in a way that interferes with his/her ability to learn.

2.When she/he has excessive anger, fear, or sadness.

3.When she/he displays age-inappropriate behavior.

4.When a child has many physical symptoms that have no medical cause.

5.When he/she makes a statement about harming him/herself or someone else.

6.When there is a death/loss of a family member.

7. If she/he has a chronic illness.

8. If she/he seems to be preoccupied with sexual behavior.

9. When there is difficulty adjusting to common family changes.

10. When a divorce occurs.

11. If he/she experiences a form of trauma, such as: family violence, sexual or physical abuse, or abandonment.

One last thing to consider in regards to your decision may be to reflect on the old sayings: "It's better to be safe, than sorry" or "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". If you are concerned about your child, there is plenty of help available.

By taking your child to a counselor/therapist, you will find your answer. If he needs it, you did the right thing. If he doesn't need it, at least you did your part and helped find out. On the other hand, if you don't go, you may not know.

There are a number of things to consider when deciding on whether or not to involve your child in counseling/therapy. Certain signs may be evident and others not. Assessing the situation in different ways is important. There are many resources available to you and your family. The most important thing to remember is that these are available and you can use them at any time.

(Stahl is a clinical social worker with Catholic Social Services, Green Bay.)

Send questions to Counselor's Corner, c/o Catholic Social Services, P.O. Box 23825, Green Bay 54305-3825. All questions will be answered in print or through the mail. Identities will remain confidential.