'We want to adopt; what do we do?'

QUESTION: My husband and I are thinking about adoption. Can you help me get started?

ANSWER: Adopting a child is a lifelong commitment and a major life decision requiring time, patience and education. While the process may seem overwhelming, a successful adoption and children are truly one of life's many blessings.

Unfortunately, healthy white infants are at an all-time low, so it's important to ask questions and educate yourself on what types of children are available - infants, older foster children or special needs children, and what type of local, state or foreign services are offered.

Laws and requirements vary by agency, state and nation, so licensing and reputation are important. Public libraries, state adoption information centers, support groups and adoptive couples are good places to start.

While the Internet and chat rooms have become a convenient source of information, the anonymity that the Internet offers allows some individuals to operate on a greed/profit agenda and prey on the emotions of childless, often infertile, would-be adoptive parents. Newspapers and TV report stories of financial loss and heartbreak from connections made this way. So please beware. Caution is advised.

In an ideal world, infertile couples seeking to adopt would have dealt with any feelings of grief and loss that accompanied their infertility. They would have moved on, psychologically speaking, to an awareness that adoption is an equally acceptable way to build their family, not a "second best" choice. They would have reached a higher level of emotional maturity required for parenting and would be willing to accept different temperaments and traits than might accompany their biological child.

Would-be adopting parents should be able to provide a safe and loving environment for the child and be able to keep life's challenges in perspective. Knowing when to seek professional help in times of stress is likewise important. Generally, adopting parents lead ordinary lives - have good days and bad days. They need not be wealthy but need to be aware that adoption fees vary and can become expensive.

If you have thought out your reasons and readiness to adopt, try to select an agency that is a "good fit" for your needs and beliefs. Here are some important questions to ask:

-- What kind of children does the agency place?

-- How long is the average wait?

-- What are the total costs and when are they payable?

-- What criteria do the agencies use in matching children with families?

-- Will the agency help you locate financial aid?

-- What happens if the adoption doesn't work?

-- Can the agency provide references from other parents who have recently adopted through them?

-- Do they offer open adoption where identifying information is exchanged?

After your initial questions have been addressed, there is usually an orientation session where more will be explained. You will receive applications and meet with social workers to talk about your feelings on the decision you are making. A home study is needed and waits vary before a child becomes available for placement, so be patient.

May God guide you in this important decision.

Here are some resources you might find helpful:

-- Wisconsin Dept. of Health and Family Services, Box 8916, Madison, WI 53708-8916; 608-266-3595.

-- National Adoption Center (NAC), 1500 Walnut St., Suite 701; Philadelphia, PA 19102; Phone: 1-800-TO-ADOPT; Fax: 215-735-9410; e-mail: nac@adopt.org; http://www.adopt.org.

-- National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC), 10530 Rosehaven, #400, Washington, DC 10013-1182; Phone: 1-888-251-0075; Fax: 703-385-3206; e-mail: naic@calib.com; http://www.calib.com/naic.

-- www.law.cornell.edu/topics/adoption.html with links to just about every adoption law on the state and federal books and to key court rulings.

-- The North American Council on Adoptable Children tells how to adopt children in foster care, www.nacac.org.

(Morrical is a therapist with Catholic Social Services, Oshkosh.)