We grow through change

DE PERE -- Living means numerous painful changes from which we grow and improve, the pastor of Holy Cross Parish, Bay Settlement, said in this year's final Claude Allouez Forum.

Fr. Tim Shillcox, O.Praem., intertwined ideas from Judith Viorst's book, Necessary Losses, and Scripture to show where her psychological insights dovetail with Christian truths.

The theme of this year's Allouez Forum, co-sponsored by the Green Bay Diocese and the St. Norbert College Theological Institute, was "So Many Books, So Little Time."

In Mark's Gospel, Jesus says we must lose our lives to gain life, Fr. Shillcox said. Viorst echoes that, describing life as a series of changes we must make to live successfully.

These start with birth, when we must move -- or die -- from the safety of our mother's womb into an unsafe world. That change both sets the pattern for our need to let go of security and leads us to spend the rest of life searching for the unity we had with our mother in the womb.

Theologically, he said, we seek this unity through community or the church.

Additional changes come as children break the parental bonds in adolescence, first by getting a driver's license and later by leaving home for college, the military or the job force.

Just as Jesus told Nicodemus he must be reborn, from Viorst's perspective, we must be reborn "over and over again to the next stages," Fr. Shillcox said.

So we reach out to define ourselves in friendships, jobs, love, success and failure, leaving known security "so we can grow into the people God has in mind for us to be," he said.

The second stage, which begins in childhood and continues through life, involves being an individual without becoming self-absorbed. In this stage, we learn about the importance of relationships and the needs of others.

"In a culture of individualism, in a sense gone to the extreme after an era of herd mentality both in the church and in society, I suspect that we live in a privileged time when we can hopefully begin to navigate to a midpoint where the individual and the community become respected," Fr. Shillcox said.

This stage calls on us to learn to deal properly with guilt, neither indulging in feelings that can make us think we can control the whole world, or ignoring pangs of guilt.

"Guilt as an emotion is given by God. It helps our moral compass keep us on the right track. The gifts of humility, candor, honesty, the sacrament of reconciliation, spiritual direction, close friendship, loving family relationship give us the chance to say 'I was wrong'; 'I'm not perfect'; 'I can deal with it'; 'I can move beyond,' " Fr. Shillcox said.

The third stage involves accepting imperfection in the world, ourselves, friends and spouse. That means, he said, accepting that, in all our relationships, the initial infatuation and idealism will be replaced by disappointment, then drudgery and, finally, bliss. Accepting that the honeymoon doesn't last lets us live in reality.

The final stage -- mid-life to the end -- forces us to accept the sad reality that, physically, we are declining and will die.

The challenge is to let go of what we need to and "to savor what has been good and honor what has been lost," he said. "This is the business of our faith as Christians. If our hopes in Christ are limited to this life only, they are the most pitiable of hopes. But praise to God, our hopes are beyond this world, a hope that draws its purpose from the raising of the dead."

Fr. Shillcox said when people move from their homes to assisted living centers, they know what is most important: medicines, family photos and a few religious symbols.

The trick, he said, is to practice such Gospel simplicity long before we near the end of life and to accept that, even though no one is perfect, we all are blessed and loved by God.

We also could apply this same theological and psychological approach to the current sexual abuse scandal in the church, he said.

"We need to deal with compassion toward all who are involved and also to put to flight the illusion that anybody -- priest, bishop, the Holy Father himself -- can be perfect in this life. Only Christ has that perfection."