Youth Day participant goes on faith journey

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My name is Tracy. I'm a 37-year-old wife and mother in the twilight of true youth. I'm a child sexual abuse survivor and a mother traumatized by the recent revelation of my own child's abuse by the same person.

The abuse revelations within the Catholic Church have hit close to home. Despite being blessed with courage and strength through 2001 I have found my faith challenged.

World Youth Day 2002 was my personal run to find peace. In a recent homily, a Green Bay priest said faith thrives best in total darkness because we can do nothing but ask Jesus to lead.

I'm there. Lead me through the darkness and I will follow, along with half-million people. I couldn't pull it together alone, but in community possibly I can.

Monday, July 22

We leave for Toronto, 110 pilgrims strong. Some are in their 30s. Others are older; many more are teenagers and college students. One mom entrusts her 16-year-old daughter to me. Another tells her son to seek me out if he needs anything. I am "mother" on this trip and yet I'm so young in my own faith. I have much to learn. I pray for the grace to listen.

After 14 hours we arrive in Toronto and are greeted by parishioners from St. Anthony of Padua in Brampton, just outside Toronto. Expecting to spend our nights in a church school, we are blessed with host families.

My husband Terry and I go home with Raymond Hernandes, a retiree born and raised in India. We are greeted by his wife Elaine, who is deaf; their son, Eric, 14, and a beagle named Jessie.

I am touched by my house mother's devotion to motherhood and the Christian symbols in every room. I've been hiding my faith in my own home. I need to think about putting rosaries over the doorways and a crucifix in every room. If this is the way I feel, why am I afraid to show it?

Tuesday, July 23

We join the rest of the Green Bay Diocese. We were previously divided into small groups. Our leader is Therese. We decide to visit the CN Tower, the tallest free-standing structure in the world.

On the subway, a man from Ecuador trades me his Ecuador hat for a USA t-shirt. Imagine a place where people are smiling, singing and dancing. That's World Youth Day. You can meet people from all over the world and there is no need for introduction. Because we believe in Jesus it's like we're all akin. You walk up, say hello, even hug. To meet someone from a different country, look for the country flag. Take your pick. Jesus has got to be smiling at this sight.

More than two hours later, we're stuck in a never-ending line to get into the CN Tower.

A man pushes in front of me and ignores me as I ask him to stop. I motion angrily. He smiles, takes out a pen and writes something. He's a deaf mute. He is alone, from the Netherlands. He thanks us for allowing him to join us. We spend the next two hours writing notes back and forth and slowly his enthusiasm spreads to our group. I almost discounted this special man. Jesus is speaking to me again. Jesus' reach and ability to unite this world is boundless. We all have a light to share. It is up to us to figure out how at any given moment.

We lost the man from the Netherlands in the crowd. I'm sure he's out there somewhere writing on scraps of paper. That is his way.

Wednesday, July 24

We have to be at our host parish by 8 a.m. We have catechesis and Mass every morning until noon. "Alleluia, Alleluia," we sing, led by a Michigan group called Youth to Youth. We sing and clap and praise the Lord. I'm starting to feel unlocked inside and yet sad that I couldn't feel this way as a young person.

It's noon and we're heading into Exhibition Place, a festival of music, speakers and basically the entire world. I wonder if heaven is a little like this. I've never seen people so happy and the diversity is astounding. We have two Johns in our group and "little John" gives me energy. He is always trying to get to know people. He's getting his picture taken with a man from Germany. He gives me the courage to find a German pen pal for my eldest son studying German. Thank you, little John.

While walking, I turn and a nun in full garb -- Sr. Mary Clementine of Rhode Island -- is smiling at me. She gives me and others special medallions. She hands me a miracle medal and tells me to give it to my daughter. I didn't tell her I had a daughter. Hello God.

A Toronto man stopped Amy, one of our main leaders. He told her how hopeful it was to have the pilgrims in Toronto. He asked if she might pray for his young son, Devon, who is battling cancer. We closed our eyes as a group and prayed for Devon.

Thursday, July 25

I will see Pope John Paul today.

"Your job is to be the light of the world, not the results. Jesus will take care of that," Bp. Ian Murray of Scotland says in catechesis. Be a light and a path wherever you are, he says, not a barrier.

North, south, west and east, God is helping me pull together all directions and form one body. Spiritually and even physically, I've been divided for years. Jesus is working to reunite my body and my mind.

We struggle together through the subway, making friends along the way and eventually get through the crowd to see the pope. I wonder if I can make it. I'm an asthmatic and the heat is getting to me. The other John in our group puts his arm around me, like a big brother, and together we manage.

Trickles of tears roll down faces of at least two people from our family as Pope John Paul tells us to launch into the deep waters.

Hello God, watch me swim.

Friday, July 26

Stagnated by the guilt parents everywhere feel when their child is wounded, I find myself standing among 700 pilgrims from around the world. Card. Theodore McCarrick of Washington, D.C., speaks to us on reconciliation with family, yourself, Jesus and neighbor.

I have long felt almost half-Christian for not being able to completely forgive the person who hurt my daughter and I ask the question haunting me: Does being unable to completely forgive make me a sinner and how can I find strength amidst such abuse issues?

The Cardinal calls me a champion, which is something I'll never forget. He says all that is necessary is the will to try. As long as you're trying, that's all that Jesus asks.

Nine people come up to me afterwards and at Mass sharing their own stories and prayers of hope. One survivor gave me a strength medallion. I'm not alone. Breaking the silence was positive. Card. McCarrick thanks me after Mass for asking such questions.

We're going to the Way of the Cross, a re-enactment of the stations of the cross.

On the bus I grin at two European girls playing patty cake. I haven't played patty cake since fourth grade. Danielle learns a new dance and dances in the aisle. It's so refreshing. Irish youth sing silly and sometimes uplifting songs. I feel like I'm regaining a part of my childhood through the faith of all these young people.

Saturday, July 27

We walk approximately 5 miles, loaded with sleeping bags and backpacks to Downsview Lands to camp out with the youth of the world. The crowd is expected to swell to a million people by the time Mass is celebrated tomorrow.

The sweat rolls, the sun beats down and my allergies kick in after passing through a field. I take a couple of puffs on my inhaler and pray for help to make the trip.

We're in a sea of people and everyone is trying to claim an area. We pull through again, linked as a human chain and quickly throw down our packs to save our space.

World Youth Day has given me back part of my childhood. I dance in a field with one million young people from all over the world. I'm starting to really move again for the first time in a year. I rock and sway to Christian music, my hands stretched far above my head. I giggle in the still of the night with my new Catholic friend Therese. I have rarely been able to laugh in the still of the night.

Thank you John Paul II for World Youth Day. Tonight I sit with a group of teenagers and young adults who teach me to pray the Rosary. Surrounded by people of faith I learn it's never too late to journey to the Lord.

There are lighted candles for as far as the eye can see. We are one big mass of lights. Together we are much more than we could ever be individually.

Sunday, July 28

It's 5 a.m. and raining. Everyone huddles, trying to take cover from the strong wind.

The sight of the helicopters coming in with our Holy Father is truly magnificent. People cheer from every corner and flags and hands wave to greet the shepherd of so many.

We had our challenges with the water, the mud, the lack of access to basic necessities but it's worth it to share Mass with our Holy Father.

He speaks briefly on the abuse crisis within our church, but his main message is: Light up the world with our faith and be salt by firing up and adding to all those we encounter.

I return a more whole person with determination and faith.

Hello God.

(Ertl is a member of Nativity Parish, Green Bay.)