Allouez parish supports grieving children

Children grieve differently than adults. A child's behavior may appear to return to normal following the death of a parent, sibling, or grandparent, but appearances may be deceiving, said Barb Mogilka, who along with Sheila DeLuca offers a new children's grief support group at Resurrection Parish in Allouez.

"A child can be off playing and showing no signs of grief, but it's important to remember that all children grieve in their own way," said Mogilka. "Even infants grieve, especially when they lose a main caretaker. They can't tell you with words, but they do grieve."

"Children's grief doesn't look the same," said DeLuca. "They often grieve in spurts. They may appear to be doing fine and then become very sad or very angry for a period of time. When they grieve in spurts it may be as intense as the first time. Others may not grieve until they are older and are developmentally able to process their loss."

The children's grief support group features four sessions held at Resurrection Church. Parents or caregivers meet the first week followed by three weekly sessions for the children.

"We want to educate the parents about how to listen, how to ask questions and what cliches to avoid," said Mogilka. "We often want to shield our kids from getting hurt, but they understand when a loved one is no longer around. They feel the effects of their loss. We shouldn't tell our children such things as they went away and definitely not that person is sleeping. A child may be afraid to go to sleep at night after hearing that."

"Death is a natural part of life," she continued. "We often don't live in the same area as our parents, the child's grandparents, so they may not see the natural progression of life. It's important to talk about and make the kids a part of it. Bring younger kids to the funeral. Let the kids view the body privately with the family so they can ask questions. When a pet dies, talk about the life cycle. Answer their questions. Don't go out right away and buy a new one."

The idea to develop a children's grief support group originated from Mogilka's St. Norbert College Masters thesis topic, "Grief and Children," the facilitators' experience working with children and the Rainbows Program at Resurrection Parish.

"The Rainbows Program is for kids in need of support and healing," said DeLuca. "We tend to have more children from divorce situations. We fortunately have not had many children who lost a loved one to death. It was a little harder for those kids to fit into that group. It was a different type of loss for them. We felt that we needed to set up a program specifically for those children."

The grief support group is designed for children in grades kindergarten through fifth.

"We want parents to learn that it's OK to be honest with your kids," said Mogilka. "We want to offer kids a place to talk openly. They experience so many emotions from being mad to sad to angry. They may even feel relief. If a loved one is suffering they may feel relief when that person dies and later feel guilty. Kids have many misconceptions about death because of their lack of life experiences. We hope to open up dialogue and let them know they are not alone."