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If you're in love, is it pizza love or real love?

Notre Dame Academy junior Sarah Walsh expected the worst after discovering that chastity was the topic of an all-school presentation by author and internationally known speaker Mary Beth Bonacci.

"I thought it was going to be really boring," said Walsh. "She was really cool about everything. She didn't just tell us, 'Don't do this. Don't have sex.' She came down to our level, and she was really funny."

Bonacci, a Compass columnist, opened by focusing on love and how it relates to sexuality and chastity.

"We don't understand what love means," she said. "I love my mom and dad. I also love pizza. What am I saying? I love pizza because it makes me feel good. It's all about me. We need to decide if it's pizza love or real love. Pizza love is only caring about them when it's good for you. It's not real love. It's wrong."

To define real love, Bonacci pointed to God's love.

"God is flipped out, madly, head over heels, in love with you," she said. "Real love is wanting what's best for the other person. How can I do what God would do for that person if he were here? Real love means always respecting the image and likeness of God."

While Bonacci believes that teens can love honestly and deeply, she warned the student audience that love is not simply a feeling, but that real love is a decision. The decision making process is much easier when you are more mature, stable in life, have moved beyond your selfish needs and are prepared to give yourself to someone else.

"When you're in love, you're heart and mind have to agree," she said. "There has to be knowledge in your brain that this is a good person for me. In your heart, you may feel that you want to be with this person, but if the person is not good for you, your brain has to tell your heart, 'Sorry, but we're going to have to sit this one out.' Your brain wins."

Bonacci offered several examples of how sexual relationships outside of marriage complicate decision making and put people at risk physically, emotionally and spiritually.

"We call it making love," she said. "What is making? It's manufacturing. When you are sexually active, you may be trying to manufacture love that wasn't there, and you are more likely to stay in a relationship that isn't working out."

"Dating is about figuring out if you want to marry this person," she continued. "It's about interviewing for the job of spouse. Dating is about dumping, but you shouldn't be mean about it, you should do it respectfully and nicely. Sex messes it up. It leads to bad marriage decisions. A breakup of a sexual relationship is the emotional equivalent of divorce."

Bonacci, who began speaking and writing full-time in 1986, invited the students to ask questions online at www.reallove.net. In the past, she answered written questions from audience members during her talk, but now incorporates the most common of those inquiries in her presentation. Her book, Real Love, also addresses the most common questions from teens. 'How far is too far?' is one she hears often.

"Chastity is about the difference between affection and passion," said Bonacci. "Chastity is about private parts being off limits. By private parts I mean those covered by a bathing suit, let's say one made in 1964. 'How far can I go?' I can't answer that question for a person."

A common thought often shared with Bonacci is that the body and soul are not connected. She strongly disagrees.

"What my body does, I do," she said. "Sex is about two people giving themselves to each other completely."

Bonacci also clarified the difference between virginity and chastity. Virginity refers only to the past, she said.

"A person can make a commitment from this moment on to live a life of chastity," she said. "It's part of the commitment to following Christ."

"She did a really good job relating to us and explaining the meaning of love," said junior Jackie Harrill. "I think she made those that have been sexually active feel comfortable. I liked that she talked about her own life. You always wonder if someone is practicing what they preach, and she shared that with us."

Bonacci's talk was a part of last week's Fall Fest celebration at Notre Dame.

"We have a number of fun activities during the week including a Mr. NDA contest, which is a spoof on the Miss America Pageant, a powder puff football game and a dance at the end of the week," said Principal Tim Schumacher. "Having a chastity speaker address our students provides a strong Catholic presence during the week and gets them thinking at a time when they may be tempted not to make good decisions."

"It's important to see the world through their (teens) eyes," said Bonacci. "I hope they really understand their own dignity and understand the meaning of sex in relation to their dignity."