News

Oshkosh youth tackle bullying in schools

By Jaye Alderson
Compass Correspondent

Teens' letter to parents Here is the text of the letter Oshkosh Teens Speaking Out has written and is distributing to parents in that community: Dear Mom, Dad or Guardian: You need to know I appreciate you. I know I don't show it all the time and it's probably easier to let me get away with things, than for you to stand your ground. BUT PLEASE STAND UP FOR ME. You're right, the world has changed, and I need your help and support to be successful. So, I've gotten together with some of my friends and made a list of all the things that are really important to me. Yes, they are the very things I fight against. However, I know they are important and they will help you parent me in today's world. • Tell me you love me. • My nasty comments - don't take them personally. • Encourage or even force me to participate in one extracurricular activity. • Make me do chores - it teaches me responsibility. • Let's eat meals together and talk during meal time. • If I do something wrong give me a logical consequence and don't let me off the hook. • Set ground rules - expect me to follow them. • Teach me how to say "NO" - by saying "NO" to me. • Trust me most of the time ... check up on me once in a while. • Get to know my friends and their parents too. • Talk to me about God and faith. • Whispering is more effective than yelling. • Understand that I am not perfect - be patient. • Let my dreams be different from yours. • Continue to follow your dreams - what a great role model you'll be! • Talk things out instead of using physical or emotional tactics. • Talk to me, ask me questions - Create "Forced Family Time (FFT)." • Realize that times have changed, and your parenting skills are important to my success. • Teach me how to dress with respect - don't let me out of the house looking inappropriate. • Spend time with me and show me you care - listen more than you talk. • Set high standards for me. Acknowledge that my effort is worth more than my grade - have realistic expectations. • Don't be a workaholic - be home - please be home. • Family time is worth more to me than a big house, vacations, and other stuff. • Drink responsibly - remember I'm watching what you do. Please take this seriously. I know it will be hard because I am going to rebel. It's what we do to grow up and reach our independence. But what you expect out of me - I'll expect out of life. Even if I don't seem to like it now - I'll appreciate it later and the world will be a better place because of parents like you. Love, Your Child

OSHKOSH -- School shootings and plots for more violence surfaced around the country have focused attention on teen violence. Some young people at Sacred Heart Parish decided to do what they could to take back their schools from teen bullies and change people's perceptions about what teens can be and do.

Karen Vanden Heuvel, parish life coordinator at Sacred Heart, said the parish's youth ministry team decided to use proceeds from their fall haunted house to address teen nonviolence as a way of giving back to the community and feeling empowered.

"They said, 'There are bad things happening, but teens also are doing really good stuff.'" Vanden Heuvel said. "'We want to say teen violence is a problem, but not all teens are violent. We don't like it either. There is a problem here, and let's address this problem. We need to take a stand, get involved and take back our schools.'"

The youths realized it was a community-wide issue and wanted to reach out to all teens in the community. They contacted parishes of all denominations and youth organizations to invite anyone interested in teen nonviolence to participate. There now are about 20 members from two Catholic parishes, the Presbyterian church, First English Lutheran, Peace Lutheran and First Congregational, as well as teens with no religious affiliation.

As the teens researched bullying and violent behavior, certain trends emerged:

• Bullies usually did not participate in extracurricular activities,

• Bullies had no parental involvement in their lives and

• Bullies were treated roughly by their parents.

From their research, the students concluded that teen violence was really a parent issue, and decided that an open letter to parents could help address the teens' concerns.

The letter tells parents just how important good parenting skills are in today's world and includes 25 suggestions for things parents ought to know to keep their children from growing up to be bullies. These suggestions include love and being willing to say no and to demand certain expectations from their children. The letter acknowledges that children will rebel against the suggestions, but says they are important all the same.

Vanden Heuvel said the teens concluded that "you need to be parents, parents. Kids don't need more toys. They need attention. Parents let kids off the hook way too easily."

The letter to parents is being distributed throughout the Oshkosh area through church bulletins, schools, media and hospitals. A copy goes home with every new parent. Vanden Heuvel said the hope is that parents will understand that their children are a precious gift from God and that they need to be present in their lives, nurture their children and hold them accountable for poor choices.

The young people have been profiled on TV and in local newspapers for what they are accomplishing.

"It's exactly what the teens needed to be doing for folks to hear them," Vanden Heuvel said. "Teens can say, 'Parents, it's time to shape up.' Parents will listen more to their teens than any other person who would say that to them."

The quick success of the group's first action has resulted in their creating a formal organization, Oshkosh Teens Speaking Out - OTSO. The self-directed group is planning structure for the team and electing officers. In addition to Vanden Heuvel, other adult advisers include Troy Taylor, youth minister at First English, and Rosangela Berber, counselor with Samaritan Counseling Center.

The teens also are serving as liaisons to the city to provide teen feedback on issues and to give the teens a sense of civic responsibility.

"The teens are really proud of themselves," Vanden Heuvel said. "They're really excited they can have a voice. People are listening to them and they are changing peoples' attitudes about what teens are like.

"Now it's working with other organizations, getting organized and creating a board and liaisons between OTSO teams and the community. They're creating a website and planning a city-wide event to bring more teens together and to present speakers discussing violence.

"They've gotten off to a great start," Vanden Heuvel said. "It's empowering our teens to understand that they do have a voice in our community. They are (gaining) leadership skills and standing up for their rights and their age group. This group is saying, 'Let's look at the big picture. There are a lot of teens ready to take responsibility and take their place in the world.'"