Lent

Penance invites us to become whole again

By LaVon Rader

	A Lenten series on Reconciliation

Take me back to my youth when I understood penance to mean giving up candy and soda pop during Lent. In our family we also prayed the rosary on our knees each evening after chores on the farm. I can still see my tired daddy, who was Methodist as a child, leaning on one knee against the tan sofa fingering his rosary beads. We three girls were wishing we were someplace else. But the penance did us good, didn't it?

The fasting from candy or whatever our indulgences are can strengthen us if done with the right intention, I know.

But over the years I have discovered that penance has a different meaning for me. For years I pushed myself in my giving to others and my body let me know I was not caring for it. I developed fibromyalgia in 1989; what a wake up call that was. I look back now in gratitude for lessons learned during those six years.

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I now feel more balanced as a human being in body, mind and spirit, but it took lots of letting go of my need to be constantly doing, to be busy all the time. Now I feel reconciled with myself in this area more than ever before. At age 68 years old I am beginning to get it, I think! I even get massages on Ash Wednesday as a reminder to bless this fragile container of my spirit.

Another area in which I feel disconnected at times is with our natural environment. I love being in our woods, in our perennial and vegetable gardens, watching the birds. Yet there are times I am not living consciously because I take the easy way out and place items in the garbage that I should recycle or I feel guilty, but do it anyway because it is more convenient. We don't stop and realize that our actions, positive or negative, make a difference. We don't stop and consider the kind of world we are leaving to our children and grandchildren.

My greatest challenge in becoming a more balanced person is in my relations with others. I remember a few years ago when I wrote to a friend of 20 years telling her how I wished she could be a more positive person. I had talked about this with her previously, but to no avail. I sent off a letter to her on the topic, and left the country on vacation; how convenient. When I returned home I found a letter in my mailbox telling me off.

I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to take the first step. So I called her and she came to our home. I hugged her and asked her forgiveness for writing what I did and not discussing my concerns face-to-face. I told her I still meant what I said, but I was unkind to write and run.

We have made up over the years and I love her as she is. My friend can't change me, so why was I trying to change her? Admitting I was wrong was difficult for me. My image of myself is that I do good stuff, I try to be kind. However, I too am weak and imperfect, and I goof up.

This Lent I ask you to join me in admitting when we are sometimes disconnected from ourselves, from family, friends, and the world community. Join me in being brave enough to admit our wrong and take the necessary steps to be whole again.

Admitting our failings is not only the right thing to do, but is essential for our peace of body, mind and spirit. Let's rethink what penance means to us. Giving up chocolate candy is far easier to do than saying I am sorry and asking for forgiveness, don't you think?

(Rader, a member of Ss. Edward and Isidore Parish, Flintville, speaks and conducts workshops on simplicity and spirituality.)