Your Catholic Neighbor

By Jeff Kurowski
Compass Assistant Editor

	Your Catholic Neighbor
	Name: Debbie Gossen Parish: St. Mary, De Pere Age: 49 Words to live by: "Let go and let God." (A favorite phrase of her late daughter, Kristin Lund)
	Compassionate Friends to hold conference The Compassionate Friends, Green Bay Chapter, will be hosting, "Creating Ripples of Hope in the Water of Grief," the Northeast Wisconsin Regional Compassionate Friends Conference, March 7-9 at Comfort Suites in Green Bay. Paul Alexander, a bereavement counselor and certified social worker will be the keynote speaker. For more information, call (920) 437-9252, ext. 151 or visit www.tcfgreenbay.org.

DE PERE -- Debbie Gossen belongs to an organization that no one seeks to join. She is a member of The Compassionate Friends, Green Bay Chapter, which assists and supports parents who have experienced the death of a child. Gossen's daughter, Kristin Lund, died on May 28, 2001. She was only 20 years old.

"(The Compassionate Friends) has been a lifeline for me," said Gossen. "Our whole faith, especially during this Lenten season, is based on the ultimate fact of eternal life, yet there is a misperception that we've come so far in understanding and supporting grief. The reality is, people don't want to talk about it. They don't want to know about it."

There are approximately 600 chapters of The Compassionate Friends in the United States. The Green Bay Chapter meets at 7 p.m. on the third Thursday of each month at First Methodist Church, 501 Howe St. in Green Bay. All grieving parents are invited to attend. Members do not contact parents who have experienced the loss of a child.

"We are here to provide bereaved parents understanding and acceptance for a lifetime," said Gossen. "Most of the grieving parents feel they walk the journey alone. They don't have to. I have an insight that I wouldn't have if I hadn't experienced it. I would have chosen to go through life ignorant, but I have experienced it, and I want to use that experience to help someone else."

Lund was a sophomore at Valparaiso University in Indiana at the time of her death. She suffered from autoimmune disease, but her condition was not considered life-threatening. Gossen and her two other daughters, Erin and Sarah Lund, have the same condition.

When Gossen was 16 years old, she was diagnosed with leukemia, when in fact, she never had the disease. Instead, she suffered from a compromised immune system. The condition is hereditary and was passed on to her children.

Kristin continues to serve as an inspiration to Gossen, a De Pere native and member of St. Mary Parish.

"She had a faith that set a benchmark that I can only hope to achieve in a lifetime," she said. "She really knew God and walked with God. She wore a purple bracelet with the words 'Let go and let God' on it. She is the only person that I've ever known that could really live that. She surrendered everything and said, 'Here I am Lord.'"

Gossen struggled with how some people treated her following Kristin's death. People she knew would avoid her in public places, so they would not have to speak to her.

"Grief support groups reach out to people who are suffering with the grief," said Gossen. "The people I would like to reach are the friends, family members, co-workers and neighbors of grieving parents. I would like to share with them the tools to help those parents feeling the pain. I feel bad that I didn't give the support to people before I experienced this."

There are misconceptions about the grieving process, added Gossen, who left her job in corporate management to return to college to study nursing.

"One is (that) if you have faith, your grief is lessened," she said. "If I grieve, I'm not showing the strength of my faith? Even Jesus grieved. There is also a warped sense of time. People believe that if a certain amount of time has passed that you should be over your grief. It doesn't work that way."

Gossen said she appreciates when someone talks with her about Kristin. In honor of her daughter, the Kristin Diane Lund Memorial Scholarship Foundation was created in August of 2001, and a book of Kristin's poems, drawings and photos titled "Life is, was and forever shall be - love" was published in her memory.

The book is available through The Compassionate Friends.

It is difficult to determine the number of people involved in the Green Bay Chapter because the same people do not attend every month, said Gossen. Members encourage grieving parents to attend three months in a row before deciding if it is right for them. Gossen did not become part of the organization during the first couple years following her daughter's death.

"I thought I had to be strong," she said. "I put up a wall to protect myself. I had to get to a point where I could feel the pain. I was in a lonely, deep, dark place when I found The Compassionate Friends.

"Compassionate Friends is not only about support, but also education," she added. "We are educated in our lives in a multitude of things, many of which we will never need. The reality is (that) we will all deal with death at some point in our lives, but we have never been given the tools.

"I am glad other people do not understand the pain I experienced. I do not wish the death of a child on anyone. If it happens, there are people there to embrace you. Compassionate Friends gave me the strength and permission to do what was right for me."